vow

i'm making a vow not to date exclusively but before i go on to stating the whys and whatnot, i just want to have a little bitch fest.

i'm upset with some people not giving me the fucking time of day. first shes interested. then shes not. then "school work takes over my life" AKA 1. i can't manage my time or 2. i'm kind of not interested anymore. lets make a 3. and just say you're a jerk and its a combination of 1 & 2. okay? k good.

i am astounded how everything can be stellar for a few days and suddenly the groove is gone. how does that happen? fuck it. i'm tired of wondering how and why. leave me the fuck alone.

i know i'm shallow. impatient. complicated. but i'm willing to learn.
my quest for finding spring love is done. lets see how long this hiatus will be.

i just need a god damned date for my brother and sarah's wedding and i'd like for it an attractive girl. is that too hard to ask for?!!!

k so i'm done dating around because i'm sick of the worrying and wondering and all the bullshit that goes on with dating a girl. girls are way too complicated. i shouldn't have to try.

no more tampa

she's book smart
but when it comes to life
she's an irresponsible, unprofessional, degrading whore.


thanks for breaking my heart, bitch.

breaking point

this is like a few sundays ago when you dropped the bomb on me that you have a kid and you're going through a divorce.

i was cleaning in my kitchen, crying because you weren't giving me the time of day.

this time, i'm cleaning in my kitchen, crying because i'm second guessing myself with you.

you're the only girl who's ever made me cry.
you're the only girl who's ever tapped inside of a nadira that only close friends see.
others have been a witness to how i talk and act when i speak of you.

FUCK!

*sigh*

my tummy hurts

so i'm not sure why i feel slightly sick. i think it might be due to lack of sleep. HUGE lack of sleep. damnit, i can't stop yawning.

well, today i blew a good $150 on essentials for my trip!

-bare minerals makeup = yay!
-a cute, pink AF polo
-stuff from victoria's secret ;) sexxyyy haha
-i bought her kid a toy from meijer, its a sweet light up guitar that teaches you shit in spanish and english

BRB food is ready.

BACK its now 12:25 PM, march 29.

OhMYgosh last night was terrible. i haven't been sick in a long while. :-/
my right eyes been jumping! :)
i am terribly fatigued.
i look disgusting.
my rooms a mess
i think i have lots of homework i should be doing.
this post is pointless.
i can't wait to get out of here and tell you stories.
i'm going to write a book
ciao!

can

it be wednesday night already? please?

kthanx

the ex files

I rarely go to my 830 T & R class because it is complete waste of my time. Prof, really, dude if you're just going to post the PPts online for me to study from- why should I wake up that early and go?

But this Thursday was different. There were presentations and I hadn't met with my group at ALL, so I figured, "hey nadira, lets actually go to class to see whats up"....

I clocked out to bed at around 1230AM. She txts me at 1-ish. We talk for about 15 minutes. I go back to sleep, restless and anxious for the next day.

My annoying ringtone, "Feedback" blares three times. I check the clock. I'm apparently dyslexic as I read it for 830 AM. I pick up the phone and he tries to be sly...Tisk Tisk, can't pull anything on me, buddy cuz I figured you out in about 2.5 seconds who you are. Yup, he called. He's worried. He's anxious. He just needed to vent. After coaxing the bastard to let me go to sleep so I'm not a zombie the next day, naturally, I call her. Of course, she has to be in a different time zone this week and is experiencing a night on the town. She calls about an hour and a half later. I cannot fall asleep after telling her the story because I'm too wired and anxious for the next week. I clock out at God Knows When waking up to my alarm at 745AM. Sweet.

Holy Fuck. I am SO tired! I must go study for Anthro and pray to God I at least get a B+, an deserving B+.

I'm selling back some of my books to get cash. My ex owes me $90. I emailed his mom to repay me. I still haven't received a response. Inexcusable. At least tell me "no".

Today's agenda is as follows: Study, get ready, sell books, lunch w/Kyle at noon.
Study some more for Anthro.
Class at 230-4.
No rendezvous with girl 2. I must refine my focus.
430- peace out to FSU to beat some bulldog bitches!

No clubbing tonight for my life depends on this grade.

Anxiously awaiting next Wednesday,

Nadira

she vs she

the sun's rays peeked between the tall, snow topped trees and made her eyes glisten even more. but it still made me think of her bright, big dark eyes that caught my attention that stormy night in ybor city.

the ice water from the waves made a lull that took me back to spring break.

we played with words at dinner.
shes a master of words, naturally.

she wants adventure
she wants to settle down

shes young and carefree
shes older and responsibilities steal her soul

shes inexperienced
shes too experienced

both are beautiful
both have said things w/possible double meaning

she compliments me and takes the lead
she keeps me grounded and maybe with real contact will be assertive

mmmm

a cry for help

i am not running away
i am running towards hope
i am not merely seeking adventure
i am searching for the l word

take me seriously.

i will take out two portions of $50 from my bank acct.
i will still need 100 more.

my strategy is as follows: someone from allendale campus gives me $100 and in turn, that day, i purchase whatever they want on my credit card from a local store. meijer. the mall. wherever.

making purchases elsewhere will blow my cover b/c the card is ultimately in my parents' names.

where are you, helpful hand? please, will you help me?

i'm on the bachelorette game show

so, i feel like i'm on a game show, the LESBIAN bachelorette. lol

girl 2 is a great girl. she really is. although i just met her, i can definitely say there's a connection with her. i get this sweet feeling about her. hell, i just wrote my last post about her. thing is, she's not ready for a commitment and i truly feel like she's just experiencing this whole thing with me to affirm her sexuality which is cool, but i want to be more than an affirmation in someone's life. great girl. like her.

girl 1, though. i've liked her alot from the start. she didn't give me what i wanted. i had to work work WORK for that shit, lol. she never called me back. she acted like she didn't care. and soon, she started caring and realizing that i'm serious about meeting her. it was amazing, she woke me up today and i was happy to talk to her. she called me and vented to me, and i was really happy to be there for her. i've never taken such a huge risk in my life. EVER.

i know i'm making the right choice. i haven't felt so real. i can't believe i'm actually going to visit her!!!!!!!!

thief

thief, where'd you come from?
i haven't seen you before
thief, you've sparked my interest
you've taken my thoughts and more.

your beauty steals my thoughts, my breath, my eyes.
what is next? will you steal my heart?
thief, i am complex, i am fragile, please don't let me fall apart.

i've waited for something like this to come along
i've had thoughts like these ever since i was little
now those thoughts becoming real.
so real.

my mom wants me to take a boy date to navin's wedding. i think not.
i'm taking her.

i'll tell her she's 'just a friend' and later tell her the truth. too bad things gotta be that way around here.

mom, i'm GAY

hardfall

they say i fall too fast, too hard.
man, i'm a bitch.

intrigued

"i'm intrigued"

oh man! i have no idea what is compelling me towards her.

i mean, why did i meet her that one stormy night in tampa?! is there a purpose for her to be in my life?

"only time will tell" she says.

i'm throwing logic out the window
and taking yet another risk

ridiculously chasing after what i want,

nadira

indecisive

Oh man! I don't know what to do today!!

I have a hematologist appt then I kind of want to go to the mall to buy new makeup but then again I have to do this stupid Anthro project and Soc paper to write as well....Navin wants to hang out with me, too.

Argh what should I do?!

I called that girl who asked for my number last night. No answer. Maybe she's in class.

I also called the other her. The one I like sooo much but is way too busy for anything. :-/

I don't want to sound conceited but no matter which hot babe is interested in me, it doesn't matter b/c I am not interested really in anybody else but you-know-who...It's just I have to keep my player- full-of-myself attitude because thats my stupid defense mechanism for not getting hurt.

Okay, I need to showahh.

Loves.

quick stick

flippy flippy

1. we won against davenport.
2. this cute girl asked if she could get my number
2.5 i said yes.
3. team dinner was excellent.

bitches aint shit...

...finish it! i know you wanna

quick stick

in lacrosse we do this exercise called quick stick and basically when you throw, you do it in a quick, "rapid fire" motion. so when i do "quick stick" posts, they are just posts about whats on my mind RIGHT NOW!

*blows whistle & calls out QUICK STICK*

-it is NOT warm outside but it IS sunny. the sun is beautiful yet deceiving. almost like a girl. hahah
-my right eye has been twitching since late last night. good luck at last!
-sean paul's "get busy" makes me think of rockford's start of summer parade in the year 2004.
-i look like a pac sun/hurley skateboard model today which equals hardly anybody will take me seriously. its the hat. i know it. welllll to heck with them cuz i LOVE this thing!
-i'm excited to lunch with a friend whom i havent seen in a while.
-i hope nicole emails me b/c she just txted me for my address.
-its nnk1@yahoo.com in case you wanted to know.
-tonight our team will play amazingly!
-i need to call my pops to tell him where the game is
-hematologist appt tomorrow = scary
-buying bare minerals make up tomorrow with friends = fun
-DPS cruiser outside my building. i hope officer hottie is nearby. haha
-i'm procrastinating on draft 1 for COM202
-i almost got teary eyed at my floor mtg last night.
-i love my friends and i'm having an amazing day.
-i've been praying lately & getting back in touch with that cool guy up there, God.

w0rd out

What?

Driving up to Wellspring Christian Counseling Center, "Suddenly I See" blares from my car speakers. However you interpret that particular song, I think KT is singing about her newfound interest in homosexuality. Kinda ironic.

I used to tease a friend about dating an older woman, calling her lover her mommy and now I'm interested in someone a decade older than me. Interesting.

I don't know where I am going with this posting but I just felt like taking another break from my COM202 paper.

I talked to her for a little over an hour yesterday and it made me soo happy. She really is an awesome person who's been through more than her fair share of trials. Complex. Mysterious.

But you're 20.
and she lives in Tampa.
and she has a kid.

I don't care. And I don't know WHY those things don't bother me. Either does she.

Right now, the suns shining through my blinds and highlights the keys I type as I try to eloquently convey how much I truly care for this person and hope to get to know her better.

Times up. That's all I've got.

Who Does This To Me?

i spotted you
you beautiful girl
i spotted you across the room
i'm not sure what caught my eye
but you held me mesmerized

i spotted you
from across the room
your beauty held my gaze
when i worked up courage to talk to you
i knew what i was going through wasn't a phase

this time it was different
you, you are different
this is not a game
i am not the same kind of girl anymore

its been too long since i've seen you
the distance keeps us apart
but every single day i've left
you've still been on my heart
my mind fills with up with thoughts and plans
of how i can reach you
to tell you how exactly how i feel
girl, if you only knew

give me this chance
we've both been hurt in the past
let me hold your hand again
give me your time so i can make this last

this craziness that possesses me
nobody ever gets this deep inside
you've torn down every barrier
and i hardly know you
but i want to get to know you more
so let me in
and lets do this.

i spotted you
i spotted you, beautiful girl
and i'm not the same anymore
i walked away from you changed
i've stopped playing games
i know what i want & it's you.
its. you.

i've never written something like that for someone i've only known for like 2 weeks. what is WRONG with me?! *sigh*

someone out there, just tell me i'm crazy. seriously, do it and i'll thank you.

ASDFG

It is gorgeous outside!! This whole weekend has been sunny and beautiful! Well, except for yesterday's scattered showers in stupid Terre Haute, Indiana.

Pause.

Can I just say that every time, every. single. time. I get on my laptop to do homework I end up blogging here? Argh!


Resume. Wait, no!

Rewind. The ride down to Indy was interesting. Fun. Boring. In that order, too. I LOVE everyone on the lacrosse team. Seriously, we have the sweetest group of girls playing...its awesome! The hotel we stayed at was shady as hell...the whole city of Terre Haute is ridiculous. No offense to them but that place was creepin...it looked like everything was stuck in the 70's or something, idk...

We played really great the next day. Everyone put 110% of their heart and soul into it. I really don't want to elaborate on the game right now b/c I'm just gonna get to why I'm even posting in this stupid blog nobody reads.

I'm sooo frustrated at this girl. Really. Frustrated. We talked on Friday for a good ten minutes and then you'd think we'd talk again but NO, we DON'T! Saturday I just txted her telling her how I'm not joking around and to have just a BIT of consideration to tell me, just call me and tell me "leave me alone" and she replied something to the effect of, "i want to be friends with you and you don't understand. i care about you but you don't realize the situation." FUCK THAT. well, at least she responded, right? WRONG! I got my hopes up and called her a few times well...to hell with that because I'm never calling you again. Really. I'm not. I'm wasting my sweet time even blogging about her right now when I have 3 subjects to read for! Ugghhh! WHY DO I CARE ABOUT HER?

I know, I suck. I didn't even write anything witty or intelligent today. Whatever, eff that.

The Left Eye

Call me superstitious but I'd say I have good intuition. Okay, maybe I'm just a bit crazy but anyways theres this legend where if your left eye twitches, something bads coming your way and if your right eye does, something good will happen.

During lax last night, my left eye was skittering out of its socket! I was really nervous and talked to a friend about it when I came back, trying to defend why I shouldn't have something bad happen to me. A good, hard practice and friends asking to hang out the next day and that night were the examples of positive things so I asked myself, "why should I let this superstition ruin my night?!"

BRB Phone. It's my dad.

Back. Okay. Fastforward to about 2 A.M. Lets make this short by saying that bad shit really did happen. *sigh* I wish she knew how much she meant to the world. There's a fine line between friendship and keeping my professionalism as a Resident Assistant.

Moving on.

The clock strikes 3 A.M. and I randomly call this woman. I have no hope that she'll answer but surprisingly she answers with, "What're you doing up this late?" And I reply, "A nice "Hello" would do just fine." We are good with the attitude at any time of day, obviously. ha. It's good to hear her voice. Soothing, I guess you could say. After 10 minutes of talking she has to go and says she'll call me later. Later? How later I want to say, but I let her go. She promised she'd call me and I'm writing in here at 11:56 A.M. without hearing from her. But who would really call back after 3 A.M. with her knowing that I have class the next day?

A bit anxious? Yeah.

My kitchen is dirty. Ew. I have SOC reading to do. Fuck that class. I hate this slow computer sometimes. Maybe cuz I have too much crap on here. OK! Done complaining for the day :)

Lunch at 1. Class from 230-515. Making food with residents and dessert for party tonight. Today will be a good day whether my R eye twitches or not.


Peace and Love.

Instead

Instead of doing my CBR 368 homework, I am sitting here thinking of her.

Stupid, selfish, rude, inconsiderate girl yet I still am attracted to her and possessed by her mystery. I wanted her. I wanted to be her. I hated her. I admired her. I'm sick of her. I wish she'd give me the fricken time of day.

Why do I always want to be with someone I can't have?

This song, "Someday" by Pat Monahan gives me some hope but its like a 10% chance that she'll reply to this email I sent asking why things aren't at a comfortable friendship. Just when I get over the stupid infatuation I have with her, she makes some sort of contact with me. Arrgh, just leave me alone completely or pursue me completely!

Time to go, a resident of mine wants to make lunch.

...And I still haven't touched my homework.

I knew it

They told me she was/is:

-manipulative
-lying
-a one night stand ONLY type girl
-caters to specific people and their desires

I thought I'd give her the benefit of the doubt. Tonight, that ended.

I knew something wasn't right about her.

And you know what? I can go to bed happy not because I was right but because I'm honestly fine with her not being the right girl to date.

Man, I gotta get to bed. Good night WWW.

PS. I'm soooooo glad I went and did my thing at G Bar in Tampa ;)

Surprise Extreme Makeover: Dorm Edition

They say working out relieves stress (whoever "they" is, I don't know), so I was looking forward to lacrosse practice tonight more than usual. What could a student who just was on Spring Break possibly be stressed about? Maybe the fact that five minutes into my second class (I slept through my first due to lack of sleep), I made an important realization of how much reading, homework, and projects that were soon to be due! Along with academics on my mind for the majority of the day and throughout lacrosse, I'd be lying if I didn't say my social and love life were occupying it as well.


20 minutes before lacrosse practice, the three of us (Sean, Sara, and yours truly) were just hanging out in my room. Suddenly, (both of them obviously ESP'ed each other) they blurted out, "dude, your room needs to be rearranged!" I totally wasn't up for it. First of all, I am terrible at interior design. Secondly....well, there isn't a second point. Hahaha. I told them they could do what they wanted and that I'd leave it unlocked but they had until 10:15 to be finished with their makeover.

Fastforward. Time: 10:15. Lax practice didn't relieve stress. Plus, I'm in a bad mood because I just received a text message that increased the stress. A person never wants to hear "we need to talk". EVER!

Anyway, I suck it up and start walking towards my dorm, up the stairs, down the hall and bam! OH MAN! My ROOM looks AHHMAZING! I still have that stupid, broad smile plastered on my face as I type this and scan my new, creative, ORGANIZED room! What's cool is that I have amazing friends. What's even cooler is, they LOVE doing interior design stuff. Man, I wish I had an eye for crafty home decor.

I'm really, incredibly grateful for them. My room is so much more comfortable and it looks stellar. I have one wall which I absolutely adore because it is so COLORFUL, scattered with a surf poster, rainbow HELLO KITTY, Desperate Housewives, GISELE BUNDCHEN (x2!!!), and Jack Johnson!!! The thing is, I've had all that stuff before, just not spaced out in a creative, classy way. Mega props to my friends. I definitely own them an homecooked Indian dinner ;)

The time now is 11:37 and I really have to go. I just received a phone call from the same person who sent me the doomed text and my friend Sara is also here. It's rude to blog and have company, you know. :) hahaha

I'm in SUCH a good mood because of this room. They really should charge other residents to do this stuff.

Later dater!